my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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