he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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