did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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