She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
