Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
