just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
