Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
