i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
