I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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