If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
