thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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