the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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