Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
