Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize