i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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