I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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