Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
