There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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