just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
