alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
