i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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