i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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