Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize