you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
