Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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