Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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