Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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