dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
