my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
