I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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