I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
