When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
