My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
