so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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