i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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