the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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