I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
