Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
