this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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