ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm really busy with my period
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