Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
