Girls should come with a carfax report
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When are your genitals available?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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