I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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