i may or may not be watching the land before time
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
