I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
