The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
