I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
