I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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