there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
