If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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