Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
