If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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