Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
