Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
