Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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