There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
