Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
