I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize