Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
