rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize