You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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