Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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