Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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