you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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